


POV

by drivingmishcrazy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Derek tells Emily he loves her, Emily tells Derek about Rome, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, This is how Demonology should have gone, it would have made more sense than her telling Rossi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27953285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy
Summary: Set directly after Demonology. Derek pays Emily a late night visit and the truth comes out.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	POV

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of abortion, brief mention of questionable consent

It had been a rough week.

Emily shivered under the thick blanket she had wrapped around herself as she nursed a beer on the couch in her apartment. It was nearly three o’clock in the morning and she was  _ exhausted,  _ but she didn’t dare try to go to sleep, she was too afraid of what dreams would lie in wait for her the second she closed her eyes. She didn’t know if she had the strength to see Matthew in her dreams, didn’t want to have to relive her encounter with Father Paul Silvano earlier that night or subject herself to memories of what had happened in Rome all of those years ago. It was bad enough that she’d had to live with the ghosts of her past following her around the past few days, bad enough that she had barely been able to hold it together through it all, she would  _ not  _ force herself to be held at the mercy of her subconscious all night. Emily shook violently, unable to get warm and silent tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She let them. What did it matter to her?

The silence was broken by a knock at the door. Emily nearly jumped out of her skin. Who the  _ hell  _ was knocking on her door at three in the morning? Emily shuffled to the door, wearing the blanket like a suit of armor, and looked through the peephole. Derek Morgan was on the other side. Emily quickly removed the chain from the deadbolt and opened the door. Derek’s hands were shoved into his pockets and when he looked up at her, his expression was one of worry.

“Morgan?” Emily said. “What are you doing here? You should be in bed asleep!”

“I could say the same for you, princess.” He chuckled, but his eyes held no mirth. “Can I come in?” 

Emily opened the door and stepped aside to let Derek through. He stepped in, looking like he half-expected her to change her mind and throw him back out. Things had been tense between them for the past few days, to say the least. Derek had been skeptical of Emily’s insistence that Matthew’s death had been murder, and she had resented him for not trusting her judgment. In hindsight, she understood his hesitation, but that didn’t erase the sting she had felt at the time. Especially considering that their relationship had shifted from platonic to something else that had been left undefined ever since their return from New York. Emily shivered and pulled the blanket tighter around her. Derek raised an eyebrow and tilted his head.

“Cold?” He asked.

“Nah.” She said dryly. “I just like to pretend I’m Darth Vader at odd hours of the night.”

Derek laughed. “You know any other time, I might just believe that coming from you.”

“What do you want, Morgan?” Emily sighed. “I’m guessing you’re not here to make a social call.”

“You’re right, I’m not.” Derek said. “I’m here because I owe you an apology, Emily.”

Emily stared at him, open-mouthed. “No offense.” She said. “But what the hell are you talking about?”

“The case.” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t listen to you and you turned out to be right. When I’m wrong, I say that I’m wrong, Emily.”

“I didn’t exactly make a strong argument for why you should’ve believed me.” She said. “I was angry, I let my emotions get ahead of me. You had no reason to believe I was right, not at first anyway.”

“I also kinda got the impression that this was about more than just Matthew.” He said. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, but if you want to talk, I’m here.”

Emily’s chin began to quiver. She looked down. Somehow, she knew it would eventually come to this. Derek Morgan knew her like the back of his hand, had always understood her in a way that no one else on the team really did. He  _ saw  _ her, saw past the exterior she put up to who she  _ really  _ was. He reminded Emily a bit of Matthew that way, though that was where the similarities ended. Derek’s expression softened at the sight of Emily so distraught and in an instant he had pulled her into his arms, rocking her back and forth and rubbing her back the way a mother would comfort a crying child. He rested his chin on top of her head.

“Hey, hey.” He said. “It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here.”

“I should have just  _ told _ you.” She whimpered, letting the tears fall. “Instead of just snapping at you and expecting you to just take my word for it.”

“Tell me what, princess?” Derek asked. “What’s going on with you, huh? Talk to me, tell me what you need.”

“I just need you to listen.” Emily’s voice was muffled against his chest. “And try to understand.”

Derek gently guided Emily over towards the couch and sat her down, taking a seat beside her. He didn’t speak, didn’t prompt or push her, he just sat and waited until she was ready and he never let go of her hand. Emily sniffled a bit and thought about how to begin, still hesitant to show Derek a side of her that she kept locked inside. The part that still hurt for that fifteen year old girl she had once been.

“Matthew, John, and I were all friends in Rome.” She said slowly. “I was a lonely kid and they were pretty much the only friends I had back then.”

Derek nodded. “Okay.”

“After a while, I started to really like John.” Emily shrugged her shoulders. “A  _ lot.  _ And he started dropping hints that he might like me too.”

Derek took a deep breath. It was clear that he didn’t like where this conversation was headed but to his credit, he didn’t interrupt. He just sat there patiently, his focus entirely on her. Emily bit her lip.

“I  _ really  _ wanted him to like me.” Emily said. “And I was willing to do just about anything to make that happen.”

“Did he pressure you?”

“I was fifteen.” She said. “I don’t know, I wanted to but I didn’t want to and even though he never flat-out said we  _ had  _ to do anything, he didn’t exactly waste any time helping me take my clothes off.”

“That’s-“ Derek cut himself off, exhaled forcefully through his nostrils. “I’m sorry.”

“I got pregnant.” Emily’s voice broke. “And John freaked out, started avoiding me. I couldn’t go to my mom, could you imagine the scandal? Matthew was the only one who helped me and it’s probably thanks to him that I was even able to become who I am now.”

“He helped you get an abortion.” Derek said. “That’s what you’re trying to tell me, right?”

“Yeah.” She said. “He took me to the doctor, he held my hand and told me it was gonna be okay. And when our priest told me that I wouldn’t be welcome in his parish anymore, Matthew told me to hold my head up high. He  _ saved _ me and when he died...I just felt like I owed it to him to make sure it wasn’t for nothing.”

“And Cooley just got to go on with his life.” He said bitterly. “He’s lucky you didn’t tell me this before, because I would have had a hard time not cracking his damn  _ head  _ open if I had known.”

“He was a kid too.” Emily said. “I’m not saying he wasn’t a dick but how well would  _ you  _ have handled it if you found out that a girl you were with was pregnant?”

“I wouldn’t have abandoned her,” He said. “That’s for damn sure! And I would have known that it was my responsibility to bring protection! What line did he use? That it was too big? That it didn’t feel as good?”

“He didn’t have to.” She said. “Back then there was this myth that was pretty popular…”

Derek sighed. “It was your first time.”

“Talk about rotten luck.” She said. “Going from virgin to a teen mom in one night.”

“You must have been so scared.” He said. “You were- shit, you were practically still a baby, yourself.”

“I felt like the whore of Babylon.” Emily laughed through her tears. “Matthew was the only person on my side. And then he started questioning the church and religion and...I kind of blame myself.”

“Hey.” Derek hooked his finger under Emily’s chin and lifted it so she was looking in his eyes. “You did  _ nothing  _ wrong. You got taken advantage of and you did what you had to do. You said yourself that you wouldn’t be where you are today if you had had that baby.”

“I know.” She said, averting her eyes.

“Emily…” He said. “If I had known…”

“I was  _ scared  _ and sad, Derek.” She said. “And I was afraid that if you  _ knew  _ you would look at me differently and I don’t think I could handle that, I-“

The rest of Emily’s sentence was lost as she broke into loud full-body sobs and she buried her face in Derek’s chest again. Derek wrapped his arms around Emily and just held her for a very long time. He let her cry, let her release two decades worth of pain and fear, then he cupped her face in his hands and brushed her tears away with his thumb.

“Hey, look at me.” Derek said. “I’m not going anywhere, Emily. There is  _ nothing  _ that you can tell me about yourself or your past that is gonna change the way I feel about you, okay?”

Emily looked up at Derek questioningly, brows pulled together in a frown. He kissed her forehead.

“Listen, I’m gonna tell you something.” He said. “And it’s not to distract you or take away from anything you just told me, I’m saying it because I think it’s something you deserve to hear. I love you, Emily. And if you don’t feel the same or you’re not ready to put a label on whatever this is that we have together, that’s okay. I just need you to know that you are  _ loved,  _ Emily. You are  _ so  _ loved and I can’t think of a single thing you could confess to me that would  _ ever  _ change that.”

“Don’t be so sure.” She said. “There’s stuff about my past that you still don’t know about yet.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He said. “I don’t care what’s in your past, Emily. When you’re ready, you can tell me and I’m gonna love you just the same.”

Emily smiled at him. There were still tears in her eyes but every time one escaped down her cheeks, it was quickly wiped away. It hit her that this was how Derek always was with her, even before they had fallen somewhere in the middle between friends and lovers. He was her closest confidant and fiercest protector. His love for her had always encircled her like a shield and Emily realized that Derek had never expected trust from her without giving it of himself first.

“Do you remember when you told me about Buford?” She asked. “The  _ whole  _ story?”

“Yeah?” Derek said. “It was coming up on two years since we put him away and you could tell I was having a hard time. I couldn’t sleep, I was having nightmares and you just sat up with me til the sun came up.”

“Then you told me.” Emily said. “Even when I said we didn’t have to talk about it. You trusted me enough to share the most painful thing that ever happened to you. I think that’s when I knew I would love you forever.”

Derek chuckled. “That’s what did it for you?”

“Is that so hard to believe?” She said. “You gave me a piece of yourself and I  _ knew  _ what that must’ve taken for you to trust me with that. I don’t take that lightly.”

“I think maybe you know me better than anyone else.” He said. “Even my family. I still never told them.”

“Well, I  _ know  _ that you know me better than anyone else in the world.” She said. “I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone like this before.”

“Well, maybe that’s the universe trying to tell us something.” Derek gave her a small smile.

“Maybe.” Emily said and for the first time in her life, she really meant it. She stifled a yawn with the back of her hand. The clock on the stove read four o’clock.

“I think it’s time we got you to bed.” He said. “It’s been a long week and Hotch said he still wanted you to take a couple days to grieve.”

Fear shot through Emily’s body. “I don’t know if I can.” She said. “Sleep, I mean. I haven’t been able to since this all started. Every time I close my eyes…”

Derek looked at her, considering something. “Would it help if I stayed?”

“I can’t ask you to do that.” She said. “You’ve already done so much for me tonight.”

“I think that’s kinda my job.” He said. “If we’re doing what I think we’re doing here. A relationship is give and take, Emily. Being there for each other.”

Emily’s heart thumped at the word  _ relationship.  _ Not long ago, the mere mention of being in one would have sent her running for the hills. Now with this man in front of her, so ready and so willing to love her, so  _ sure  _ that he would be able to love even the parts of her that she didn’t love about herself, that the word didn’t hold that same fear for her anymore. Not when she knew Derek and knew that he really  _ knew  _ her. She smiled.

“Promise to protect me from the monsters under the bed?” She asked. “The one in the closet is a pacifist. Really nice guy, once you get to know him.”

Derek grinned. “I think I can handle that.” He said, scooping her up into his arms and laughing when she shouted in surprise. He leaned and whispered into her ear, “I’ll protect you from any monster that tries to hurt you for the rest of my life.”

It was almost comical the way Derek tucked her into bed with such care before climbing in on the other side and turning out the lights, but the way he kissed her on the forehead, her nose, her lips, then took her into his arms and began rubbing her back in slow, soothing circles was enough to make Emily want to cry. Every gesture was so small, yet it meant everything to her. Derek Morgan had been stamping his love for her onto everything he did, even the slightest touch seemed to be infused with it. It seemed so obvious now in a way it hadn’t before. He loved her exactly the way she was, had seen the parts of her that she had feared were too ugly to show anyone and told her that they were beautiful to him, too. Emily fell asleep with her head on Derek’s chest, listening to his heartbeat and she didn’t wake up until almost noon the next day. No nightmares, no monsters. They ate a late breakfast in silence, needing no words to pass between them. The knowledge that last night had been real, that what had happened between them was real, was enough for them in that moment. One night couldn’t erase years of hurt, but knowing that someone had her back and loved her anyway gave Emily hope. She had spent years putting up walls, maybe it was time to let someone knock them all down and trust that who she was, past or no past, was worthy of the kind of love and understanding that Derek was willing to give.

For once Emily wasn’t afraid to fall. She was ready to leap as long as Derek was holding her hand. She had taught herself to be brave on her own, now he was teaching her that she didn’t have to be if she didn’t want to. It was time to let someone in and Emily’s glad that that someone was Derek Morgan.


End file.
